Here am I....This is me now.

 My direction in life has changed multiply times since I have moved here. Maybe life experience is needed to finally have goals. I settled down here in the hope to help others like me. My ambitions have changed a lot these last eleven months. I worked on a ranch for a while, I worked at a corruption that looked at you more as a number then a human being, I wanted to work at the rehab that got me clean, yet a relapse will put you in a reality check real fast. I have luckily learned from all my relapses and not died. Maybe some sobriety in my hometown was needed to realize that’s not the place for me to live. I have let unneeded drama in life that I have craved since growing up. I’m learning to stay out of certain people’s lives but it’s hard when they helped you grow too. After my last relapse I quite Amazon which was just a future precursor to more Relapses. I was taking a class to be a Recreational Therapists Technician until I figured the workload was too much and how could I help other people when I can’t even help myself. Plus living with nine other dudes, there’s always that distraction. I felt like quitting that job, dropping out of that class, and relapsing was all a step back but it really pushed me forward. Made me get into meetings more, meet people at meetings and brought my faith back into reality.  It’s funny when you start getting comfortable with discomfort. Discomfort becomes something you want more of, DMVs don’t bother me anymore, I actually don’t mind Jazz games, big crowds use to be my kryptonite but now I can just be a normal fucking human. Telling someone how I feel about them is somewhat new to me too. I have always been insecure, now I just know life is too short to let that bother me. You really see how far you have come from where you started when you realize the most obvious things. I have reached 100 days of sobriety a handful of times now and this time feels different, you see the world differently. You start to notice how some people interact with others. Maybe I finally have accepted my faults in life. Accepted that life won’t always be retreating to your default page. Maybe I’m just angry because I have always lived with at least three guys since I have moved here and personal space isn’t personal space anymore, but then again when I’m on my own will I be willing to pick up that 100-pound phone when I’m in desperate need? I know there are a handful of people who feel the same. I am blessed to be in the situation I am at this very moment, most people don’t get that chance to have their own bed. Although I find life to be going at a slow pace now and I’m learning to be patient. I thought I always had patience but that’s just because I had a pint of vodka waiting for me in my car. Alcohol owned my ass, there’s no question there. It was my master, and I was its servant… I found faith again since this past relapse, I know I have said that a lot, but it could be the only thing holding me together. It is nuts I haven’t been to a Catholic Mass since 2014 but it felt right to finally go a few months ago. I feel like God places you in certain situations, places certain people in your life at the right time. I have had trust issues for so long since JJ pulled that trigger but moving to Utah, I decided I need to let people in. If you’re going to be in my life, I want you in my life till I’m gone. I DO miss you. My sponsor keeps telling me to let Jesus take the wheel, yet I only have trusted myself for the past eight years and look where it landed me. In Mormon country, I have to say though this place is fucking beautiful. My mom was in the ICU a month ago and my sisters first reactions were don’t go home. Of course, being the alcoholic that I am, my first reaction was GO home, but I decided let Jesus “take the wheel”. I luckily had therapy thirty minutes after I heard the news and had my sponsor talk me down off the ledge. I figured if I would have gone home, I would’ve found myself in the parking lot with a bottle in my hand. A part of me craves misery, so of course I would find myself in that comfort of fucking up again. Then where would that of led me? Back to treatment.  I preached Self Love in Rehab like I invented it but never really put It to good use till I moved here. I traded the beach for the mountains, and I love it. Frankly I wasn’t much of beach bum anyway, I don’t even own a pair of flipflops. I traded the humidity for the snow then. I find myself on any given day, up in the mountains by myself. The forest speaks to me and knows my struggles as a recovering Alcoholic. Even if I’m on the breaking point of having a drink, I can just go up the Canyon and that craving will go away. Being sober now, I have noticed my mood swings change. Like I’m a teenage girl on her period. I get mad at the stupidest shit. Maybe it’s because half my life I have been living in my own purgatory. I finally start doing things the right way and I punish myself for living. I’m not going to lie, there will always be a part of me that’s going to want to live in those dark days of 2013-2014, that’s why I have relapsed when things have been going good for me. Apart of me loves being miserable…at best. Bottom line, like I said this time is different. I call people when I’m feeling like shit and they answer. We get coffee and every problem I thought I had just goes away. I get exhausted with my mind sometimes, that pink cloud is long and gone for me right now but I’m sure will be back at the right time. Most men say they want to be a dad but right now all I would love to be is a sponsor…