The Sloppiest Bitch in Broward County.

A Sloppy Bitch...

It was a hot muggy day in August of 2017, South Florida’s weather is usually horrible this time a year. I am working for this company called Premium Retail Services. What I did at this time was go into Walgreens and reset it for the holidays. Imagine your local Walgreens and you know every isle by heart, well I would go in there and fuck every isle up for you, just so there can be an area where you can buy plastic pumpkins or inflatable snowman. I only did that the first week I worked there. Otherwise, I went into any Home Depot, Target, etc. and set up displays for any kind of product. I would go into a Five Below and change out the Transformers 4 poster for like a poster of JoJo Siwa throwing up the peace sign…fuck JoJo Siwa. If that bitch gets an airport named after her, I will hope The Second Coming will happen. I’ll be a good boy from here on out.

The kind of displays I was working with....

Anyway, its about 2:30 in the afternoon and I’m pumped! Hurricane Irma is about to arrive, and I thought I didn’t have to work since South Florida was pretty much being evacuated. My boss calls me angry and tells me I need to set up a Duracell Battery Display at Lowes. A Duracell battery display? Before a Hurricane is about to hit? If you haven’t been in South Florida a few days before a Hurricane, it’s like 2020 meets Armageddon. There is a two hour wait for Gas, everyone buys up toilet paper and water like Charmin and Zephyrhills decided to go out of business the same day and don’t even think your getting your hands on Canned Food. Fun Fact: Walmart brand water is still on shelves as we speak. So, at this point in my life, I’m tipsy. I just exist in the world. I was pretty much in my own Purgatory. If I’m not drunk by noon, well I’m probably sleeping. I got dressed, wore a grey collar shirt and slacks, I thought I looked pretty Professional, but then again blurry vision will tell you otherwise.

I was a Hurricane Junky...had a bandana phase.

I got in my Jeep and wasn’t ready for what I was about to experience. This changed my life in so many ways. I went in the back of Lowes and asked for the Duracell display. By the way every time I came to any store all the managers thought I had three heads, they never heard of my company before and a non-confident stuttering moron like myself didn’t help either. It felt like I was trying to sneak backstage at a concert four times a day. They would judge the fuck out of me (probably because I was drunk). So, after prying the Display box out of the Managers hands, I went to the front of the store to set up a shitshow. Not only did it take me about fifteen minutes to set up the display, I had a line of about three to four people waiting to get their hands on those batteries. It was like your first time doing standup comedy in front of a bunch of people that want to see you fail. As I put the batteries on the display case people start taking them off. One by one they go, I needed to take a photo of the display so I could get paid for the job. I told that to them, but they didn’t give a shit. Every Hurricane the media makes it out to be the end of Broward County, we have lost a few good Palm Trees though. As I step back to take a photo of the empty case somebody mysteriously runs over my foot with their cart. At this point I already know there is no God, no one to guide me home. I look up and a tall gay black man says, “you better watch yourself, you sloppy bitch.” I look down and see my shirt half untucked and my zipper down. At this point in my life, I don’t think I would have cared if my Johnson was out. Like I said I was just existing…

a pre or post sloppy bitch selfie...

It was quick, so fast. He then disappeared into the broad daylight, I look down and see an empty box with an empty display case. I thought why do I work for this company? Who the fuck am I? In that moment it brought me back to my college youth. I was a young scrapy horny guy. My grandpa was a tobacco pipe user in his days. I woke up one morning and decided to buy one. Really Shamus? A Tobacco pipe? I was outside of a bar called Potbelly’s, waiting for my friends to pay their tabs, and decided to pull it out. A black truck with all tent pulled up beside me and stops at the red light. All the sudden the windows go down and there are like eight frat kids in the truck. The light turns green, and one yells “Nice pipe faggot!” They all start laughing while I’m trying to come up with a witty response, but its too late, they blast off. I can look back at it now and laugh it off but back then all I wanted was for people to respect me. Maybe that’s why I drank so much in college, to be accepted. I mean the only thing I passed that whole time was a goddamn Kidney Stone. No credits, no Diplomas. Just life experience. I’m just a sloppy faggot.